how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
