I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
