I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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