My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
