The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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