My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
