wanna go halves on a baby?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
