I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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