just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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