theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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