Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
there is puke in my bra ... again
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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