i just wanna soil my oats bro
Pants 0. Shit 1.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
