Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
