My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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