Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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