ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
