she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
