JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
