i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Randomize
