I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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