I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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