Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
its not stalking. its research.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
