Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
