I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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