Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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