Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
