he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
