Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
