I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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