My liver just broke up with me...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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