I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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