You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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