if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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