I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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