This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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