He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
pray to the hookup gods
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