dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
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