Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
