Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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