funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
