im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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