I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
