When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
