You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
the condom got lost in my hair
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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