wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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