Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
