Your mouth is God's brothel.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
