happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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