i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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