I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
