I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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