Betty ford says i'm here all night
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
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