I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
