just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
