dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
