Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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