You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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